I feel the great weight of holiness. The unexpected reality, that as I walk under the grace and love of a God who effortlessly exists in purity, beauty, and goodness, is that my own attempts at righteousness are straws neatly lined up on the back of an old, tired camel.
I am almost frightened the longer I live in victory. There is a certain calm in defeat when the defeat is perpetual. I don’t mind losing nearly as much when I’ve known nothing but loss. However, when I begin to grow accustomed to freedom I, ironically, fear slavery all the more.
And how does this track with perfect love? Is it not supposed to eradicate and decimate all fear? But the more I understand perfect love the more I find myself at the center of two storms. The first storm is one of passion, one that draws me deeper into its high winds and intense pressure. The second is one that seems constantly on my heels, even as I’m being drawn in the other direction, it is the storm of failure, the winds of the act of disappointment. The more I know I am in love with God the more closely I feel the weight of wanting to please Him and the treacherous reality of the heights from which it is possible to fall.
But in all of these things, in all of the storms and winds and fears and loves and hopes and grace, I am certain that no matter what I do I am loved. I am not fearful of losing the love of You, God…I am fearful of what I am capable of being loved through.
Keep me. I do not plead as a slave, but as a son. I do not pray as a beggar, but as a brother. I do not lean as a stranger, but as a friend. And because of this I plead harder, pray longer, and lean heavier than if You were distant.
Give me the traction that only comes from peace to climb Your mountain. Give me the energy to ascend Your heights that only comes from Your Spirit in me. Give me the perseverance that only comes through Your grace to know that even if I stumble You are not merely waiting at the summit for me, but You are climbing with me. You would not let me climb alone, and in Your cross I see that You will not let me fall alone if indeed I slip.
My heart is full, my mind is tired, my soul is Yours.