I feel the great weight of holiness. The unexpected reality, that as I walk under the grace and love of a God who effortlessly exists in purity, beauty, and goodness, is that my own attempts at righteousness are straws neatly lined up on the back of an old, tired camel.

I am almost frightened the longer I live in victory. There is a certain calm in defeat when the defeat is perpetual. I don’t mind losing nearly as much when I’ve known nothing but loss. However, when I begin to grow accustomed to freedom I, ironically, fear slavery all the more.

And how does this track with perfect love? Is it not supposed to eradicate and decimate all fear? But the more I understand perfect love the more I find myself at the center of two storms. The first storm is one of passion, one that draws me deeper into its high winds and intense pressure. The second is one that seems constantly on my heels, even as I’m being drawn in the other direction, it is the storm of failure, the winds of the act of disappointment. The more I know I am in love with God the more closely I feel the weight of wanting to please  Him and the treacherous reality of the heights from which it is possible to fall.

But in all of these things, in all of the storms and winds and fears and loves and hopes and grace, I am certain that no matter what I do I am loved. I am not fearful of losing the love of You, God…I am fearful of what I am capable of being loved through. 

Keep me. I do not plead as a slave, but as a son. I do not pray as a beggar, but as a brother. I do not lean as a stranger, but as a friend. And because of this I plead harder, pray longer, and lean heavier than if You were distant. 

Give me the traction that only comes from peace to climb Your mountain. Give me the energy to ascend Your heights that only comes from Your Spirit in me. Give me the perseverance that only comes through Your grace to know that even if I stumble You are not merely waiting at the summit for me, but You are climbing with me. You would not let me climb alone, and in Your cross I see that You will not let me fall alone if indeed I slip.

My heart is full, my mind is tired, my soul is Yours. 


Carry me

Carry me my Lord, keep me firmly set in the violence of Your current. It is there, in that tumultuous flow that I am perpetually washed by Your affection for me.

Keep me settled on the backs of Your stampeding mercies, embracing the necks of the charging mob of Your multiplied kindnesses. Make me rest in Your movement and awaken a dissatisfaction in me for anything less than the torrent of Your beauty and wonder in my soul, my heart, my mind, and my life.

Beckon me and then give me the ability to respond. Heal my broken heart and give me the ability to hope again. Reform my mouth from a crooked messenger of unhealthy cynicism and make it fit for worship and glorious declaration. Open my eyelids, stuck together with the grime of unrest, injustice, and brutal violence. May I see Your angel armies standing at the ready. May I catch a glimpse of the glory of Your watch over my life.

I am taken by You. I am allowed to be what I actually am in Your presence.

Carry me nearer to You, nearer to Your glorious cross, and nearer to the heart of who You are. Carry me, for I cannot carry myself. Carry me.


I love you. I want to know you more my king, and there is nothing here, in all of this world, that means even fraction of much as you do.

my heart expands and tries to explode at the thought of what you mean in this life.

the way that you impregnate my chest with your glory, with your love, with your great glory…it’s a feeling that I don’t know that I can contain but at the same time I only want to embrace. you’re like electricity to the dead places in me, like rapids diverted into my desert heart.

i embrace the very heart of eternity in you, my creator. capture me in every moment of my evaporating existence with your passion. teach me to betray the foolishness of my self and fall farther into you.

getting ready and stepping out

God i cannot limit my experience with you to just getting ready all of the time…i have to be willing to jump.
doing Your will is like skydiving. i can prepare my pack, read all the books, talk to instructors, and even get in the plane and look down at the earth below…but at some point, if i really want to skydive, i have to jump.

give me courage and wings.

give me guts and faith.

give me a gracious mind and an elastic heart.